my own word verification is failing me
Yeah. Can't even respond to a post on my own friggin' blog. What gives?
So, once again I got my spirit crushed with regard to the world of art last night. Nothing intentional, right? Just cluelessness, right? But it ruined my whole night, and morning. It doesn't take much, nor does it help to balance it all by taming my hair, dressing up and coming to work and being made to feel like an incompetent idiot. Does everything conspire to get you down at once? 24 hours ago, I felt totally fine. In these moments I deeply, profoundly know why seemingly sane folks just give up. Just give up. It's amazing how quickly and totally I can go from doing alright and fantasizing about what it would cost to buy my own printing equipment for the publishing company I want to start and imagining that sum coming to me, to utter despair and wanting to shut down my website, sell my books, and live a normal, happy, art-free life.
Isn't this kind of thing supposed to get better with age? Isn't there some wisdom and peace and ability to say "fuck it" that's supposed to come with turning 40? How hard it is to talk to students, like I've been doing this semester, and encourage them to continue at something about which I myself am so ambiguous? No, not even ambiguous—bitter. But I do my duty, toe the party line, behave. Say, you can't give up while I'm thinking give up now while you have your youth and sanity. Little makes me sadder than seeing some bright young person choose art as their path/future. (Well, truthfully, a lot makes me sadder but you know what I mean.)
But tomorrow is another day, right? Deirdre says she won't let me shut down the site, friends are sharing their clothes with me (and as soon as I have enough time to reduce the images I'll put them on the site) and, frankly, I got nothing better to do.
So, once again I got my spirit crushed with regard to the world of art last night. Nothing intentional, right? Just cluelessness, right? But it ruined my whole night, and morning. It doesn't take much, nor does it help to balance it all by taming my hair, dressing up and coming to work and being made to feel like an incompetent idiot. Does everything conspire to get you down at once? 24 hours ago, I felt totally fine. In these moments I deeply, profoundly know why seemingly sane folks just give up. Just give up. It's amazing how quickly and totally I can go from doing alright and fantasizing about what it would cost to buy my own printing equipment for the publishing company I want to start and imagining that sum coming to me, to utter despair and wanting to shut down my website, sell my books, and live a normal, happy, art-free life.
Isn't this kind of thing supposed to get better with age? Isn't there some wisdom and peace and ability to say "fuck it" that's supposed to come with turning 40? How hard it is to talk to students, like I've been doing this semester, and encourage them to continue at something about which I myself am so ambiguous? No, not even ambiguous—bitter. But I do my duty, toe the party line, behave. Say, you can't give up while I'm thinking give up now while you have your youth and sanity. Little makes me sadder than seeing some bright young person choose art as their path/future. (Well, truthfully, a lot makes me sadder but you know what I mean.)
But tomorrow is another day, right? Deirdre says she won't let me shut down the site, friends are sharing their clothes with me (and as soon as I have enough time to reduce the images I'll put them on the site) and, frankly, I got nothing better to do.
posted by Carla at 11:49 AM
4 Comments:
I'm so sorry that the outside world is crushing your spirit, Carla. It does sometimes seem that the universe is conspiring to make us doubt ourselves or feel bad about our lives. I have been a reigning queen of victim consciousness, especially during my 8 months of unemployment.
Your work, all of your work, whether it's in the corporate world, assisting students, writing or taking photographs is vitally important. I know it's hard to see and know that now, but it is. No one does what you do like you do and no one ever will. Depriving yourself or others of your perspective and your talents would be a real shame.
I know that we all love external validation but it's so subjective. Don't let the rudeness or stupidity of others determine your feelings about your worth. The mantra I've been working with a lot lately is, "I'm worthy just because I exist."
So are you, my friend.
Carla-
I am one of the students you have been communicating with, and I want you to know that your work is absolutely incredible. I appreciate your honesty about your experiences, and I already have some of my own! However, at this moment in time I refuse to accept the idea that it were better if we were all gone . . .and while I am in the midst of grad school visit and apps, that's a pretty darn upbeat thing to say.
Press on, press on, because I would be sad to never see more work from you.
what they said.
plus, when we let the bastards get us down, they win a little more ground. we have to hold onto what we've still got and get back as much as we can while we're here.
I have been visiting this page for years. I thoroughly enjoy your beautiful work.
What would an existance without art look like? How would you manage to live a life without color, without air. It is not possible.
Take the time to replenish your spirit, and jump back in with both feet. Keep your head up.
Peace!
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